Fighting is most definitely the most challenging thing I have ever demanded of myself. Training to fight demands personal sacrifice across a range of different areas of your life, and can take quite the mental and physical toll on a person. The time commitment, the physical exhaustion, the restrictive diet, missing out on events-the list goes on. In order to do this, you need to be fully invested in the process, and loving your experience more often than not. Losing the love for fighting can be tough. This year, I have had to adjust the role of boxing in my life in response to some major personal changes.
Here a few things that have occured for me, and how they played out as I re-framed the place that boxing occupies in my life.
Suffering a major loss
I lost my dog, my companion of 16 years, in May this year. I always knew this would devastating, what I didn’t anticipate was the depth of my despair. The impact to my ability to interact with the world as I had done previously was enormous. I suffered an episode of acute depression, a time during which things that had previously brought me joy no longer sparked anything for me.
I was tired all the time. I had no adrenaline or dopamine at all even during big training sessions that I would usually enjoy.
I hated being hit during this time, and would cry all the way home in the car from the gym.
It was an incredibly difficult period for me, that really made me question why I was flogging myself 6 days a week training, when I no longer felt any joy in it. It’s hard enough to get physically hurt all the time as it is, without the additional load of grief.
Image L: Comet waiting for treats
Image R: Comet reminding me of the impoartance of mobility
A change in work demand
At almost the same time I had to say goodbye to Comet, I was offered a new and challenging role at work.
I was still pretty flat, but accepted the position anyway. It was one of those game changing career opportunties that you can’t pass up. With the role came even more pressure to focus mentally on things outside of the world of boxing. Whereas previously I was able to keep an admirable level of compartmentalisation between work and training, now I was finding that impossible.
I was having to cancel training, swap rest days around, dial back on my extras. I wasn’t able to maintain my previous discipline with strength training and cardio, and I felt so guilty about it.
There was simply not the time or the energy to give to my training that I had been able to commit previously. Having had such a high volume of training up until this point, it felt so uncomfortable for me to consider consciously reducing my training load. So I kept planning my usual training schedule each Sunday night. Then when I was invariably unable to achieve it, I would feel terrible for letting myself down yet again.
For me, recognising that I was better off being realistic about what I could achieve, rather than failing to meet my previous monster training load, was such a huge relief when I eventually got my mind there. I was able to back off on myself, and start to trust in my ability to hit my planned targets again, and not feel like I was inconsistent or unreliable.
Training changes=body changes
The changes to my training load included not only an overall volume reduction, but less effort in each session, and a decrease in my strength training load. This, combined with not managing my nutrition as tightly meant an increase in body weight, but also a change in my body composition that was frankly difficult for me to see. Body dysmorphia is absolutely a part of this sport, however what I was seeing in the mirror and in my clothes was aesthically quite different to what I was used to.
And it wasnt just how my body looked. I couldn’t box the way I used to, because I was not as strong, and I wasnt light enough to move how I wanted to. I felt lethargic and slow.
Again, I was driven down a path of acceptance on this front. I was in a place where I needed to be ok with being not as fit, not as strong, and not as lean as I had been previously. I told myself that this was fine for now, and that when I was ready, I could dial back in and regain the fitness and strength I had lost.
Other interests taking a front seat
I started to realise that I needed to deliberately allow the fight training to take a back seat, and bring other interests forward for a while. There was no fight on the horizon anyway, so I was under no pressure to remain fight ready. This was difficult for me to do initally, as training had formed such a large part of how I spent my time.
But gradually I started to remember other things that I liked doing, I was reading more again, meditating. I let myself relax a bit on the food front and actually enjoyed a few drinks from time to time. I started lifting again. It felt so good to get back into a strength gym and push myself in an area other than boxing.
My long Sunday runs became epically enjoyable, and my runners high came back. I was pushing out anywhere up to 12km just for fun, vibing on a different kind of physical pursuit. And doing it for the enjoyment of it, not to “build a gas tank” for fighting. Just in and of itself.
Focusing on key relationships in life
I think difficult times either highlight gaps in your support system, or they show you what you are fortunate enough to have.
In my case, I was so lucky to discover the latter.
It was truly overwhelming, the outpouring of support I received after Comet left. I had so many good friends who checked in on me, the ongoing support of my closest circle of friends, people at work were amazing.
My team mates and coaches at Seconds Out were understanding and supportive in small ways that meant a great deal to me. When you spar people all the time, you can often build a bond where you take care of each other during challenging times. My main sparring partners, Jaki and Rianne, both looked out for me, and they pulled back on days when they could see my heart was not in it. I never felt pressured to push myself beyond where I was at by our head coach, Dan, despite my output being considerably less than my usual performance.
Thinking maybe, is this it?
A few months after these big changes, I was speaking to Jimmy, one of my coaches, who was gently nudging me to participate in an exhibition fight with Rianne. I distinctly remember saying to him, “I feel like I might just dial it back and train for fun. No more fights. I dont think I have it in me anymore.”
He told me to wait, and decide in a couple of weeks. Then he said I would be helping him out if I jumped into the ring to do the exhibition with Rianne.
It was no nice to remind myself of the process for getting ready in the days leading up to fight, but with none of the performance pressure of a recorded fight. I was able to be present and enjoy being in the moment, and also have the pleasure of sharing a ring and putting on a show with someone I respect immensly.
We had an absolute ball.
I stepped out and immediately knew I still wanted to fight.
That Jimmy-he’s not silly.
Coming out the other side
I still remember the first training session that I felt some dopamine again. I was driving home, and became aware suddenly that I was smiling to myself again. It was like bumping into an old friend.
I realised that I felt good, properly good for the first time in about 3 months.
I worked with my nutritionist, Liana Nici, to slowly diet off the body fat I’d gained over a period of a few months, and reset my strength training with Chris Creek. Leaning on my support in this space was invaluable, and as always I’m grateful to them both for helping me adjust what I need to be successful as a human being first and a competitor second.
Coach Dan and Coach Jimmy both always looked after my well being and kept me turning up, and now here we are, one week away from two tournaments back to back. I’ll be boxing an exhibition here in Perth, before returning to the Masters Games again, this time in Canberra.
The mental and emotional punishment has been tough this year, but it’s not all been a shitshow. The reminders of all the good stuff outside of the boxing gym (as well the good stuff inside it!) have been wonderful, and have brought a dimension of fun and enjoyment to my training that I didnt have before. I think I’ll be a better fighter for the experience-we will soon find out when I jump back into the ring over the next few weeks.
