Today I cried driving home from the gym. Thankfully this is a less common occurrence than it used to be, but it still happens from time to time. I’ve said it before: many a tough guy or gal has come unstuck after a hard session, and typically it’s a sparring day that does it.
The feeling of being physically overwhelmed by another human being is distinctly unsettling-it disempowers you completely. It doesn’t necessarily have to hurt physically, but that hit to the old pride sure stings a bit.
It’s psychologically distressing. The degree of frustration you can feel when being outboxed is excruciating. It’s especially bad when you are sparring someone “you shouldn’t be getting caught by”.
On top of this, if your coach or team mates are watching, it is so embarrassing because you feel like you are letting them down.
Once your brain is in the state of “I am being completely dominated” it can be hard to flip the script in the moment and come back. You can feel like you are just surviving, just getting through the rounds so you can leave. Unfortunately, we have all been here, and you can usually recognise when another person is feeling this too. That emotion is clearly projected through their posture, their facial expressions, their unwillingness to engage in exchanges.
You can leave the gym on these days and never want to return.
Yep, it can definitely be bad enough to make you want to quit. Unfortunately, I’ve seen people give up after a few bad sparring days. I myself have left mentally challenging training sessions like this questioning myself and how well suited I am to boxing.
My experience is just allow that frankly shitty feeling to arise and work it’s way through you. Sometimes this might take a few days. Sometimes you might have bad training sessions for a couple of weeks, where you feel like nothing is working for you at all.
Here are a few things I have found that help me process these feelings, and allow me to see that these challenging days are in fact valuable and contributory to my growth.
1. Refresh yourself on your goals
Clinging to your broader goals when it comes to your training can be a really helpful way to soldier on when you feel like a shell of human being after sparring. For example: What fights are coming up? If you aren’t a fighter yet, do you have any interclub events or similar you are preparing for? Do you have any fitness targets you are trying to reach? What do you hope to achieve in this quarter or this year when it comes to your training and fighting?
You should have an underlying goal or set of goals that keep you coming back. Even if it’s just to be a better fighter or boxer, if you have some clear and specific goals with time frames in mind, it helps you to stay on the path when you have a hard session.
2. Remind yourself why you do it
Reiterate your reasons why you fight and or train to yourself. This is your BIG WHY, not the shorter term goals referred to above. If you don’t know what your big why is, then bloody well work it out. You simply cannot do this (IMHO) unless you understand your fundamental reason why. It’s too hard, mentally and physically to just turn up without a why in mind. One bad training day can break you.
This doesn’t necessarily need to be huge and lofty by the way. Not everyone is doing it to become the next Serrano or Mayweather. For some it’s that this is their preferred way to unwind after a day in the office and stay fit. It might be to help you manage your mental health in a productive way, or perhaps to have a bangin’ fighters body, or to inspire your kids. It could be any combination of these things.
Personally, I do this because I am always interested to see just how far I can push myself out of my comfort zone. I never want to take it easy and let myself off the hook just because I’m older than most fighters. I also do it to maintain my health and body. It also helps me manage my sobriety (I’m not always 100% successful, but I am only human). I like to show others what is possible if you don’t give up.
3. Redirect your energy and focus if the feeling is persistent
These difficult stretches of training can sometimes demand that you redirect your energy for a period of time. For instance, I might refocus on my lifting/strength training, running, sprints & cardio, yoga/mobility, or even just my day job. It might also be the right call to dial back a few training sessions for a week or two, and invest some of that time with friends or family (see point #5 below).
This doesn’t mean I stop boxing. I just mentally shift my attention to other aspects of my training or my life. It allows me to take a mental deep breath, reminding myself in the process of the other things I am good at and that bring me happiness.
4. It’s a necessary part of getting better
Remind yourself that this is not only normal, but its essential to feel this way. If you are having training sessions where you feel like everything you do is wrong, then you are in fact doing it right.
If you don’t feel like this fairly routinely, you are not challenging yourself adequately. There is something called the rule of thirds, I first heard it on a Rich Roll podcast where he was interviewing an Olympian called Alexi Pappas. Essentially, you are supposed to feel good a third of the time, just OK a third of the time, and like crap for the final third. This is how you know you are pushing your own boundaries and trying new things.
One of my old coaches would often reference this too. If I went home dejected he would message me and say “remember the rule of thirds”, to make certain I would remember that this is an important part of chasing new skills.
5. Check in with yourself
Check your nervous system and body, and have a look at your recent training load, considering both volume and intensity. Do you need to have a de-load week? It’s a good idea to track the effort you expended each training session over the course of a week (I just use a score of 10, where 1=no effort and 10=max effort).
Basically, if I had a week of all 10’s, and I feel like got pieced up in sparring, it’s likely because I need to dial back training the following week to recover a bit more. This might mean reducing the number of sessions, reducing the training intensity or type of training I am doing. I have skipped sparring on occasion to do a Yin yoga class because that was what I needed at the time.
Also, ask yourself if it is your nervous system that is feeling burnt out. This applies as well to anything going on for you personally or professionally. You might need to make some space for other areas of your life for a few weeks, and let training take a back seat.
I also check in on my basic physical building blocks. Are my sleep and nutrition as they should be, and where am I at in my menstrual cycle? You won’t feel or perform your best on no sleep and inadequate fuelling. And if you menstruate, your cycle can disrupt your mood and output appallingly.
6. Talk to your coach and your team mates
Talk to your coach. They know how it feels because they have experienced it themselves, and if they are decent coaches, they have already picked up how you are feeling during the session. They will appreciate your openness, and see this as part of their role in mentoring you through tough sessions. Don’t abuse this relationship by blowing up their phone, but by all means, talk to them at training about how you are feeling.
Talk to your team mates. For the same reasons you would talk to your coach!
It’s not always the best idea (in my experience) to talk to people in your life that don’t participate in combat sports. Unless they are the most understanding, supportive and empathetic humans in the world, it is very difficult for them to appreciate how you feel. I know of people who have had their family seize on low points in their training to say “See!! you shouldn’t be doing this, it’s bad for you, you should quit”. For a lot of them it’s coming from a place of care for your physical and mental wellbeing. For others it might be for more self serving reasons. Either way, unless you know what it feels like to be hit in the face by another fighter, please do not advise me on my training, tiger.
7. It gets better! Stick with it if you can!
If you genuinely hate it, then by all means, don’t spar or fight anymore. You should find some form of movement you do love. Sparring in any martial art when you are not fully committed can be agonising to mind, body and soul.
However, if you want to keep going and growing into it, ride this period of time out, accept that this feeling is only temporary, and is a normal part of your growth. Be kind to yourself for a few days or weeks, then rip straight back into it.
A couple of my favourite shots, including the girls who put me through my paces in sparring. L to R: Jackie Toth, Rianne Ware, Carly Lenzarini, Natalie Moeahu-Pehi
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