Are you learning to fight? Have the courage to embrace your incompetence, and be willing to look like a beginner. It will make the process so much more enjoyable.
I joined a combat sports gym two weeks before my 39th birthday, and had my first fight nearly two years later to the day.
One of the things I noticed immediately is how uncomfortable I felt looking inept. As adults we can have a self-imposed expectation of mastery in all things. When I embraced my position as a learner and allowed myself to make mistakes, that’s when I really started to see success.
Perhaps more importantly, trying things without fear around the outcome helps to maintain the love for doing what you do. The dogged chase for perfectionism is the death of success and enjoyment in any pursuit.
For many of us, looking like a beginner or a novice is simply not ok. And making mistakes, experiencing failure-that’s the end of the world. It’s terminal. Here are a few things that help remind me to enjoy the process.
1. Embrace those emotional learning moments
Learning to fight, especially as a beginner, is a pretty emotional experience. The internal dialogue after sparring sessions can be truly brutal. Far worse than any physical injuries you sustain.
At my first gym, we would joke about “shower crying”. As in: “Wait until you get home and cry in the shower, you’ll feel better”. Quite often mine would happen in the car on the way home.
If you think this is reserved for the weaker or softer amongst us, think again. I bet there isn’t a single combat athlete on this planet who hasn’t gone home and had a big old cry after sparring at least once. It’s an emotional past time. In my short time training and competing, I’ve seen many a tough guy or gal come completely unstuck under the pressure of sparring.
The tragedy is when these people then never return. This might be due to embarrassment about their emotional responses, or because they think that one bad session constitutes failure. Sadly, they then give up, because they assume they don’t belong in the sport.
The reality is, you actually need these sessions. These are the ones that let you know you are pushing the edge of your comfort zone.
2. Do it even when you look ridiculous
In my experience you need to prepare yourself to look less skilled than a schoolchild. You will most likely be over whelmed by someone physically weaker than you at some point. Or younger and less experienced in life than you. Learning to fight is quite the equaliser.
The trade off for sticking with it and embracing the learning experience, is that you gain such incredible insight into yourself and what is possible. I have footage of my fights, of training videos, some of which embarrasses me, but some of which forms the highlight reel of my imagination when things are not going well in any area of my life.
However, the older videos, where I look absolutely ridiculous, those are the ones I am most proud of. It’s because I never gave up, I was ok to look mediocre or downright ridiculous while I was learning.
These videos also provide a base line for comparison to see how far you’ve come, both in terms of technical skill development, but also wholistically as a fighter. I’ve had some really amazing moments where I look at my performance in a fight, or during training and I don’t recognise myself. I was able to work through that initial phase of looking like I had no business being in the gym.
3. “Lightly hold the outcome”
My boss uses this term. It’s as appropriate in the boxing gym as it is in the corporate world. She used this phrase with me during a difficult contract negotiation, which didn’t go the way I intended. My disappointment made it almost impossible for me to accept that the energy I expended did not net the outcome I was aiming for.
When I apply it to boxing, what it means is this. I invest in the pursuit of my improvement. I am as focused on my mastery of new skills as I can possibly be, and I execute them fully when I fight. But I never think about the outcome in the moment of fighting.
The outcome is in essence out of my control. I can’t control my opponent, the referee, the judges-all I can do is focus on the fullest expression of my skills in the moment, and pivot in response to what is occurring.
I just focus on boxing my best now, any win on top of this is really just gravy. My sweetest moments are ones where the skills I have been working on translate into the sparring round or fight round. Winning is just a bonus.
4. Be realistic and objective when assessing performance
Maintaining objectivity when I reflect on my performance is now critical to improving my learning experience. This applies both to training and to competing.
I used to absolutely destroy myself with my self talk. Even if it was just a few pad rounds on a normal training night that didn’t go my way. The expectation to be perfect at all times, and then to only see my mistakes is simply not helpful. Nor is it the reality, right? When I look back on old footage, I can clearly see what I do poorly. But there is plenty that is correct too.
Also, when we are beginners, hyper critical self assessments can be a way of allowing ourselves to give up. One of my old coaches, once sat me down and said ” are you perfect? are an absolutely perfect boxer?” and I was like. “Sir, I cannot even hit a pad today. No I am not.”
And his point was then, ” You’re supposed to make mistakes. Don’t be so arrogant that you think you shouldn’t be making mistakes”. This was a tremendously helpful reframe and helped to correct my attitude. It was also an exercise in humility-these just keep coming non stop.
5. Understand why you are doing it
Anchoring yourself in why you do it is of fundamental importance. There might be many reasons why you do it, as there are for me. In fact there is a lot to say on the subject of motivation and understanding “your reason why” when you are a fighter. For me though, the routine reminder that I am doing it because I love it, and it’s ok to look stupid and have fun lightens me right up.
That same coach I referred to above is one of the only people I talk to on fight day. One of the things he always says after we have talked about how I am feeling in readiness to fight is ” Don’t forget to enjoy it, you will only get so many moments like this in your life”.
Bringing myself back to the feeling of joy when competing reminds me I do it because I love it, no one is forcing me to do this.
And that frees me up to get into the ring and enjoy each round moment by moment.
6. Create opportunities to play
In my first couple of years of training, every session became an exercise in berating myself. I felt I had failed in not pulling off a new skill, or being outboxed by someone I was more experienced than. I would question if I was working hard enough. This makes for abject misery. I would often forget why I was learning to fight in the first place.
What works for me is to create opportunities for play and humour while I train, and even while I fight. I’m a bit of a goose these days when I’m warming up and standing ring side, but it works for me. This is because it helps to get me into the mode of being playful and relaxed. My performances are always better when I approach a fight this way, with a sense of playfulness.
Yes take it seriously, especially when you are in the midst of fight prep, or you’re working hard to cement a new skill. But don’t take yourself too seriously in the process!
So, I encourage anyone learning to fight to embrace the emotion and the feelings of being a beginner. Be less afraid of looking incompetent and more interested in how you feel when you train or compete.
Remember that It’s inaccurate and unhelpful to only see the errors. When I remind myself that I’m supposed to make mistakes when learning, it allows me to rediscover my sense of play while boxing.
Do it because you love it!
Image L: Me asking myself why I am doing this as I wait to step into my 1st fight (Pan Pacific Masters Games, Gold Coast 2020).
Image R: Me being an absolute goose after weigh in for my 7th fight (Australian Club Championships, Adelaide, 2024)
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